To Him Who Loved Me...

I woke up with tears on my cheeks, I had the same dream that has been appearing in my sleeps. It felt like I experienced a deep agony and remorse all over again.Even I still can feel the anguish of grief ,just now when I am awake. A few years back, somebody told me that I meant the world for him. The world that he wasn't able to reach yet he kept longing for my existence. I didn't know him, a man who looked at me in a different way, a sweet way beyond my expectations. A man who saw me as an exquisite persona, I didn't know him. I was driven by my struggles, I was overwhelmed by never ending foolish quests, I didn't even know how to express and feel any happiness. At the end, the only thing left was my emptiness.

I still reminisce that day, the day that turned my life. A young guy in my school approached me, he handed me a piece of paper. He wanted me to open it,there were a few words written on the ivory colored-paper that I held. I always remember the words, " Don't be sad because I always watch over you, your pain is my pain". The guy in front of me took a deep breath, " He wanted me to give this because he couldn't, he is not here anymore" ," what do you mean?"I asked." He passed away this morning" he whispered. I felt a cold breeze in my neck, my heart pounded. " I don't understand" I stared at him, " He was my friend, he loved you but the situation was difficult for him, he used to wait for you, think about you and talk about you", he murmured. " But, he couldn't reach you, he was too frail too scared with his feeling" I could see the grief in his eyes. I was spacing out, I barely pulled myself together, I was baffled by his words, puzzled by the small note that I held tightly with my palm. " I am sorry, I couldn't tell you before now everything is too late, I wish I had had a courage to tell you, I wish I had not listen to him ,I wish I had not made a promise to him and just told you everything" I could hear his voice trembled. I looked at him, I observed his brown eyes, I could see a deep remorse there." He loved you, but He didn't have time, He didn't want you to suffer and burdened by his illness, it was hard for him, the only thing that kept his spirit was you, he came to this campus just to see you walking on the garden's paths, I remember his vague smile when he looked at you, I am sorry I didn't tell you earlier" a pause. " Don't be sorry, It wasn't your fault,you tried to keep your promise,I know you were a good friend to him, I am sorry, I don't know about this" I tried to select my words carefully. He shook his head," You did your best" I continued. " I went to the hospital where he stayed, I thought it was my regular visit, I thought he was getting better after his last treatment" I saw an emptiness in his slanting eyes. " You know when  sick people look better, when you think everything is doing fine, sometimes it is not true, they just stay for a while to comfort you to say goodbye and to make sure you are okay when they are gone , I knew it but I didn't want the negative feeling took my expectation. I was praying so hard, but God had His plan, I think he doesn't feel the pain any longer, I don't want to see his suffering...somehow I feel relieved" I barely heard his last words. "Can I see him?" I said.
We went to his funeral, It drizzled throughout the day, as if the world had suffered the same pain as we had experienced. It was a very gloomy Wednesday.
I saw a gallant young man with a cheerful smile in his picture, a young man who was eager to live his life into the fullest part. I cried because I couldn't do anything to comfort him, I wasn't there to share his pain. I was dragged by a penetrating sorrow.

Even now, I am still able to perceive the moment, a moment when I first heard about him. Those puzzles take a form in my unconscious mind through my dreams. A dream that always reminds me about how I was loved, It makes me believe that somebody always watches over me, that I am not alone to face hardships...I will value my life as he always wished.

Singapore, 11/21/2012....